And thus, you’re left with this irrational feeling that it’s better to get used by a hot player than to open up to the possibility of love with a “regular” guy. Unless, of course, you take some pleasure in getting used by hot men who have no capacity or desire for commitment. Essentially, you’re saying, if I’m GOING to get hurt, it might as well be by a 10. I would sooner look at it like this: You’ve established that men who are 10’s on paper aren’t always 10’s in relationships.
In fact, many of them are 3s and 4s in terms of consistency, effort, and commitment. You can wall yourself off from all men for fear of getting hurt, but that would accomplish absolutely nothing.
Unfortunately, now I’m attracted to him for reasons other than just the physical – which makes me feel worse! I feel like I should just give up, stick with the hotties who want only one thing, and realize maybe that is all that is in the cards for women my age. Nancy Dear Nancy, Sorry about your most recent heartbreak and thanks for your kind words about my newsletter. I suppose the question you must ask yourself is, “Are the guys who are 10s in looks more, or less likely to be 3s in the relationship department than the guys who are 7s in looks? I imagine that “looks” 10s have more options than the 7s, so they have less incentive to be more than “relationships” 3s.
I’m attractive, physically fit, have a successful career and a sense of humor. Honestly, getting my heart broken by the non-stud was more disappointing and heart-wrenching than getting it stepped on by the hotties. To synopsize what others may have missed, I made the radical suggestion that if you’ve spent your life chasing hot, brilliant men, only to discover that they are arrogant, narcissistic, selfish, emotionally unavailable and commitmentphobic, then it may be time to choose men who are slightly less attractive and intelligent but make up for it in love, devotion, kindness, humor, effort and loyalty. Anyway, the positive takeaway from your email is that you tried it “my” way and, sure enough, you ended up falling for the guy. You’ve just proven that it is possible to become attracted and emotionally connected to a man who would not have ordinarily been on your radar.
On many occasions, when you get dumped, it comes as a surprise, a nasty surprise.
Looking back you think to yourself, well I could see that coming really. Almost every time you get dumped, the person who is dumping you has been thinking of doing it for longer than you imagine.
Some people go out and get absolutely hammered at a bar, trying to anesthetize themselves with the sweet embrace of alcohol.“I was on a really bad dating streak,” recalls Tom Karl of Kitsap, WA.“I was feeling horrible about myself, but my friends really helped me purge the bad feelings and focus on what I had to offer.There’s a part of you that, irrationally, hopes that if you can just make the pain go away, then the triggering event will have never occurred and you’ll magically go back to being the person you were that morning/yesterday/last week/whatever. All that numbing yourself is doing is ensuring that you’re going to tear the bandage off painful in the long-run. Another common mistake is to try to repress that come with a breakup in a mistaken desire to “be a grown-up” or “be mature” about it.This, in fact, was a mistake I made after the break-up that set me on the path to who I am today.